Harold Samuel Hillman II
1961-2004
Photo courtesy of Daniel Hillman
As he was awaiting a kidney transplant, our dear pal and fellow Providenizen, Hal Hillman, came down with pneumonia early in January, and while in the hospital died suddenly of a heart attack.
Hal's passing is a tremendous loss to the bear community in New England and he will be sadly missed by all of his friends throughout the area. Hal was a long time member of various bear clubs in New England. Throughout the years, Hal was officer of the Rhode Island Enforcers, and founded the Rhode Island Growlers bear club.
Hal modeled for American Bear, held the title of Mr. New England Bear 2000, then went on to become International Mr. Grizzly 2001. He epitomized what being a bear was all about.
The following is Ron's eulogy for Hal, given at the memorial
fundraiser to benefit the National Kidney Foundation, held at the Alley Bar in Boston, Saturday evening,
January 17, 2004.
Grrreetings to everyone and thanks for coming. First, thanks
to Bob and Damien and the rest of the staff here at the Alley
for hosting this fundraiser to benefit the National Kidney
Foundation, and for asking me to say a few words in honor of
our pal, Hal Hillman. The last time Bob invited me to address
a crowd was at the farewell party for 119 Merrimac. I'm starting
to notice a trend that I'm not sure I like.
I also want to thank our bear brothers from the New England Bears,
Bears Ocean State, Gen-X Bears, Northeast Ursamen, Ptown Bears,
Green Mountain Growlers, and elsewhere for their help and support.
Finally, thanks to Jeff at The PX for his help with last year's
silent auction for Hal.
Folks from all over the region are here tonight for a single,
special purpose: we've gathered together to honor the memory
of a wonderful friend and true leader in the Bear community of
New England, Hal Hillman, who passed away last week.
Hal's passing last week shocked us all. It was sudden, but
not entirely unexpected. Following the failure last year
of a cadaveric kidney transplant, three brave and
incredibly generous men came forward from contacts in the
bear community, offering their kidneys to Hal. Sadly, none
matched. Nonetheless, these big-hearted men are to be commended
for their efforts. On Friday, January 9th, while waiting for
a matching kidney and undergoing extensive dialysis, Hal was
diagnosed with pneumonia and taken to Kent County Hospital
in Rhode Island. It was there that, unexpectedly, Hal suffered
a heart attack and died.
Hal Hillman was a hero to me. His encouragement for my work with
bear communities, and his understanding of the larger picture
of bear subculture, as well as our mutual enjoyment of a
bong or three while talking about politics or pop culture or
gender issues or boyfriends, meant a lot to me.
As you may know, either by experience or by hearsay, Hal was
indeed well endowed with a huge . . . heart. His often sarcastic
charm, aptitude to find fun wherever it lurked, and inclusive
attitude was a prime reason that the Rhode Island Grizzlies club
that he founded worked: Hal really tried to welcome everyone,
even if he didn't like someone particularly. Especially if
he saw a hot woofy bear on the sidelines, he would engage him
and bring him into the group.
Hal embodied all the typical attributes of bearness: his
extra-hairy, stout frame; his thick beard; his interest
in the bear and leather community; his enthusiasm for
bearclub activities; and, especially, his boundless love
of masculine bearish men.
Once, Hal told me that he wanted to start a bear commune:
a flexible household of a dozen or so guys, all living
together, sharing expenses, household duties, and each other.
It would be sort of like a bear kibbutz, where coupledom
was surrendered to a far greater sense of extended family,
and where the virile power of love and sex between masculine
men was treasured and celebrated. Hal had that vision,
and it's a shame that he wasn't able to realize that dream.
The evening before he passed, Hal called and left me a message
in a voice remarkably strong for him, compared to a few weeks
before. First off, he asked how I was doing, with real concern,
for he knew I'd just completed a round of radiation treatment.
Then Hal relayed the latest news from his doctor: that his
testosterone was totally askew and that his legs were
essentially wasting away. Listening again to that message,
I am deeply moved at Hal's selfless friendship: so close to
the unexpected moment of release of his own soul from his
weakened body, he reached out to comfort someone else's
health problems, before he shared his own.
At the funeral home service, it was said that Hal spoke of not
wanting to submit to the ordeal of another kidney transplant.
Hal dealt with his health issues head on, but it never kept
him from having big dreams, and from enjoying his life.
Hal had fun. He loved to travel. He had hope for another bear
cruise and lots more traveling to play with the bears. Hal had
courage, and chutzpah. Just a week before he passed, he
called me and said, "Hey! I've got a room at Foxwoods for
the night! Wanna come drop some quarters, soak in a whirlpool,
and have a little fun?"
Hal's life touched the lives of many folks. Yet it was not at
all in quantity of acquaintances, but in the quality of his
life, lived fully with genuine friendship for all, Hal accomplished
perhaps more than he was aware of while living.
Let us offer our thanks to Hal's spirit for his abiding friendship
and community service. Let us offer our best wishes to his
spirit, free now from the bonds of his weakened mortal body.
Let us offer our prayers for the safe passage of his soul to
wherever it has chosen to reside. Let us observe a minute
of silent contemplation.
[60 seconds of absolute silence]
You guys are amazing. I would never have expected 200+ bears
in a bar to be so completely quiet.
Hal would have loved seeing everyone here tonight in trashy
flannel, behaving badly. You bad, bad bears. Now, let's raise
the roof and let out a joyous hoot to celebrate Hal's life.
Grab a cocktail of your choosing and let's offer up a toast
in honor of Hal's memory.
A statement from Dan Hillman, Hal's brother
First off, thanks to everyone for showing up and shelling out
tonight in memory of my brother. I know he'd have appreciated it,
and I sure do.
Next, I'd like to thank you all for covering for Hal for so
many years, by making up the whole Bear Lifestyle thing. Mom totally
bought it. Writing all those books and articles just so Hal could
go around all the time dressed like an unshaven lumberjack --
that's what I call friendship.
Oh, and the Mr. Bear Award was a nice touch.
I should probably explain that my family has never been particularly
close. We get along when we meet up, but it happens
infrequently. Even when we would have them, Hal would often
miss family get-togethers, and then we'd call, worried that he
was all by himself, wallowing in pizzas, pot, and porn.
You can't imagine how pleased we were to learn that all this
time he'd actually been blowing us off to hang out with a
great group of friends. I'm just sorry he kept those parts
of his life separate, and that we never really got to meet.
But thank you for being there for him.
And, thanks to everyone who helped spread the word of Hal's
death. As I said, he didn't tell us much, but we really did want
to reach the people who cared about him. You guys made it
happen. To be honest, you'll never know how relieved we were to
see a bunch of bearded guys in black there that day.
In Judaism, family members traditionally tear a bit of their
clothing to symbolize mourning. From now on, whenever I see
black leather fringe I'll be thinking of you guys and Hal.
Signed, Dan Hillman
Afterword: National Kidney Foundation
Mission Statement of the National Kidney Foundation: The National
Kidney Foundation, Inc., a major voluntary health organization, seeks
to prevent kidney and urinary tract diseases, improve the health
and well-being of individuals and families affected by these
diseases, and increase the availability of all organs for transplantation.
Many people who need transplants of organs and tissues cannot
get them because of a shortage of donations. Every month,
more than 2,000 new names are added to the national waiting list
for organ transplants. About 17 people die every day while waiting
for a transplant of a vital organ such as a kidney, heart,
or liver. Something to think about.
For more info go to:
http://www.kidney.org
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