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Moving the Mountain
by Ron Suresha
an excerpt and long addendum
to the essay appearing in
I Do/I Don't: Queers on Marriage
edited by Greg Wharton and Ian Philips
(Suspect Thoughts Press, 2004)
The March 15, 2004 cover illustration for The New Yorker,
"Dress Reversal" by Mark Ulriksen, depicts two attractive betrotheds
trying on identical wedding gowns in adjoining mirrors. On the
right stands a young female, the traditional blushing bride.
On the left, a definitely bearish male, sporting a trim van
Dyke and curly, chestnut-brown chest hair, gazes at his own
seductive image in the mirror. The woman is astonished not
at her own gorgeous reflection - but at that of the other,
hirsute, bride-to-be.
I can imagine myself as that goateed, hairy-chested bridegroom
in lace. I can construct myself as wearing a wedding gown
because genderfuck is a typically queer expression of my
homomachobearish psyche. Whether I look better in a gown
or a tux - or in a silver lame jumpsuit, for that matter -
is someone else's entirely subjective opinion. But this
vision of myself as bride/groom doesn't reflect some unconscious
desire to buy into an essentially classist, sexist,
capitalistic 1970s American dream of domestic bliss.
Two or more same-gender folks getting hitched just seems
more subversive than conformist, even if by having weddings
many of these couples are blindsided by the wedding industry
into buying into some exurban Barbie-doll bliss.
Until recently, I too would rather have said, "I don't"
than "I do." Several life-changing events unfolding over
the past three years, however, have forced me to reconsider
my singleness. Eventually, I surrendered my precious solitude
by praying to find a worthy partner. My desire eventually
took form in silent supplications to my Indian-born
spiritual teacher and to the divine power, Shakti. I figured
I'd go right to the top with this request, because I am
an unusually particular and peculiar fellow. For me,
the problem was not settling down so much as settling on
a suitable candidate for a lifetime spiritual companion. . . .
[Find out the amazing conclusion to Ron's story in I Do/I Don't.]
[The following is the continuation of the article
submitted but not included in the book:]
I attended the Massachusetts May 17th ceremonies in Provincetown,
the first town statewide to assert its intention to accept
applications for marriage from nonresident same-sex couples.
I wanted to hear stories from those brave lovers, not only because
I sought interviews for journalistic projects, but also because
I wanted to experience their conviction that marriage was right for them.
Dozens of couples came to town hall on that temperate day,
from across the Bay State and as far away as Florida, to
assert their essential human right to love whom they choose.
Say what you want about the patriarchal and oppressive nature
of civil marriage. No gay marriage that I saw appeared to be
merely a commercialized imitation of straight marriage. These
people were there to love, to be loved, and to have their
love and commitment recognized by all.
Among the dozens of Bay State couples wed the historic morning
of Monday, May 17th, I located no bisexual-identified
partners - though many had been married before, some with
children and grandkids. It seemed inappropriate to yell above
the crowd, "Are there any bisexuals here getting married?"
None of the dozen or more individuals I did ask identified as bi.
However, I interviewed two handsome husbears - Chuck Walker and his
partner of two years, Mike Reed, from Woods Hole, Mass. The
woofy couple emerged radiantly from town hall, wearing
complementary fur-revealing open-neck shirts, handsewn by
Chuck, holding their license papers. "I've got goosebumps,"
Chuck said, and indeed we could see the excited flesh on his hairy arms.
As a couple living together, Mike and Chuck exemplify the
need for same-sex civil marriage. A self-employed builder,
Mike can now gain access to less expensive healthcare through
Chuck's workplace insurance. An example of the difference
in cost to their household, they explained, was their
costs for the pre-nup bloodwork: $5 for Chuck, but
for Mike, more than $100.
Mike expressed fear that "the powers-that-be will strip us
of our rights" one way or another, before their dream of marriage
would be consummated. Earlier, state troopers in bright orange
jackets and local police walked prominently through the gathering
crowd, but their stolid presence felt assuring rather than
threatening. But for now, among the scattering of couples
in front of Town Hall receiving blessings from dozens of
cheering well-wishers, chatting with the international and
local media, both Chuck and Mike felt safe that their dreams
to be married will be realized. They were prepared to wait
the three days until Thursday, May 20th, when relatives arrived
in Provincetown for a simple ceremony with a local Justice
presiding. Their immediate plans were to "get breakfast,
explore the town," and, upon return to Woods Hole, simply
dig into "some home reno" on the house.
The legal union of Mike and Chuck threatens no one who is
not on the defensive.
The logic of blaming same-gender couples for the collapse of marriage
escapes me. Why not blame it on Britney? Why are rightwing
spokepersons mum about her morally bankrupt 48-hour photo-op
marriages? Sure, she's an easy target, but flaunting her
superstar heterosexual privilege still models immoral behavior to children.
Ironically, religious and societal hypocrisy has sunk pavestones
in the road to civil rights for gays, lesbians, bi, trans,
and queer folk. Who can blame us for walking that path the
first chance we get? Many heterosexuals apparently think that
the decline of marriage is about everything but their own
acts of explicit gender violence, the shadow side of
complicit repression of sexual and gender variance.
Will gay marriage prove itself yet another amazing queer
sociocultural innovation? Certainly it is a large-scale
revaluing, a reinvestment of millions of American citizens'
commitment to others' welfare that inspires - and yes,
threatens the old social institution in a far-reaching arc
toward a twenty-first-century society.
Right now, the U.S. Senate is hearing arguments on gay marriage.
They must be made to hear the pleas of thousands of queer
families formed from love and respect who are, no matter
how blackly evil and depraved anyone tries to paint us.
To choose whom you want to love, and who you want to love
you, is an essential human right.
Gay marriage may indeed alone have the power to save the
traditional institution of marriage from moral failure.
Not that the old social order will crumple tomorrow, of
course - but this is certainly a step in the right direction.
My local Providence Pride celebration exhibited some
emphasis on gay marriage, but this felt like the same
family event it has been. Sexy young buff dykes,
over-the-top drag queens, leatherman Jeff selling SM/leather
flags and rainbow cat stickers, HIV/AIDS/sex info and
counseling, realtors and banks, the amazing abundance
of flesh of all shades and ages. The open sexuality of
Pride easily coexisted with the kids' area and the
lesbian couples with babies on the lawn listening to
lesbian folksingers onstage. It all worked. It was a
quiet but astonishing paradigm shift, display of diversity,
with room in the open air for all.
At that moment, it seemed, gay marriage wasn't the point.
It hadn't suddenly made us all one gay tribe again. Gay
marriage is the inevitable fruit of the immense power
of gay/queer love, not its cause. But the result has
unified millions of people to move society toward an
expanded pluralistic world that affirms our innate
human right and duty to love.
The magic of the moment, just wandering in the Providential
sunshine among the crowd, thinking of my thirty-plus years
of gay life, the thirty ahead with Rocco, and that I have
lived to share that sublime moment in the Providential sunshine.
Let us revel in the bounty that legal marriage available
to all can become. Let us show others how to create an
exuberant society whose citizens are sexually integrated,
physically diverse, and spiritually fulfilled. Beyond
all expectation, we shall succeed.
I Do/I Don't: Queers on Marriage
edited by Greg Wharton & Ian Philips
(Suspect Thoughts Press, 2004)
Everyone has an opinion, most of which aren't heard in the
national media's echo chamber.
I Do/I Don't collects a
diverse array of queer voices on the subject of marriage.
All valid. All from inside the community.
Contributors (No, really...all of them!):
Dorothy Allison, Shane Allison, Charlie Anders, Antler,
M.J. Arcangelini, Josh Aterovis and Jon Andrews, Cheryl B.,
Bruce Bawer, Kevin Bentley, S. Bear Bergman, Steve Berman,
Chane Binderup, Jay Blotcher, Keith O. Boykin, Christopher Bram,
Tala Brandeis, Michael Bronski, Victoria A. Brownworth, Cynthia Burack
and Laree Martin, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Patrick Califia,
Anne Campbell, Dale Carpenter, Margaret Cho, David Christensen,
Cheryl Clarke, Matthew A. Coles, Sherilyn Connelly, Dana Cory,
Wayne Courtois, Dani Couture, Jameson Currier, David Cutler
and Mark Ewert, Sven Davisson, Robbie Daw, Christian de la Huerta,
Maggie Dolan, Neal Drinnan, Lisa Duggan, Dean Durber, Amie M. Evans,
Douglas Ferguson, Steven Finch, Gay Shame San Francisco,
Jim Gladstone, Thomas Glave, Robert Glock, Daphne Gottlieb,
Steve Greenberg, Aaron Hamburger, Brent Hartinger, Kristie Helms,
Kris Hill and Karen Stogdill, Thea Hillman, Walter Holland,
Michael Huxley, Debra Hyde, Francisco Ib·Ņez-Carrasco,
Rik Isensee, Aaron Jason, Matt Kailey, Davina Kotulski,
Gil Kudrin, Greg M. Lanza, Daniel W.K. Lee, Sharon "Vinnie" Levin,
Ali Liebegott and Anna Joy Springer, Michael T. Luongo, Jason Mahanes,
Jeff Mann, Meredith Maran, Janet Mason, David McConnell,
Mike McGinty, Skian McGuire, Mara McWilliams, Tommi Avicolli Mecca,
Sean Meriwether, Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, Tim Miller,
John Mitzel, Marshall Moore, Eileen Myles, Leslea Newman,
Geoff Parkes, Christopher Penczak, Elissa G. Perry, Felice Picano,
Jeff Poniewaz, Jim Provenzano, Andy Quan, Carol Queen,
Jonathan Rauch, Alan Reade, Shar Rednour, Rick R. Reed
and Nicholas Reed, Alexander Renault, Eric Rofes, David Rosen,
Rob Rosen, Roxxie Rosen, Richard J. Rosendall, Michael Rowe,
Lawrence Schimel, Sarah Schulman, D. Travers Scott, Will Shank,
Simon Sheppard, Bob Smith, Horehound Stillpoint, Meg Stone,
Jackie Strano, Ron Suresha, Steve Swayne, Mattilda a.k.a.
Matt Bernstein Sycamore, zak szymanski, Cecilia Tan, Tristan
Taormino, Robert Taylor, Richard Tayson, Dylan Vade, Jim Van
Buskirk, Jennifer Vanasco, Carmen Vazquez, Kai Venice, Norah
Vincent, Jeff Walsh, Patricia Nell Warren, Tom Wilson Weinberg,
Judy Wieder, Robert Williams, and Evan Wolfson.
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